In the morning I gave her more pain meds and then started getting dressed and getting ready. She hadn’t gotten better and I knew I might have to take her to the vet so she could be put to sleep.
She came out, as she normally would, to lay on the floor by the open bathroom door. She always stayed close to me if possible and this day, less than an hour before dying, nothing had change as far as she was concerned.
She got up and started walking into the living room. But her legs gave out and I picked her up and put her on her pillow. She lay down on her side and started having difficulty breathing. I called the vet and told them I was going to bring her there immediately.
Then I called my mom. My mom had no idea the dog was seriously ill so she was very surprised. I asked her to come with me. She said she’d call my dad and he would drive us there. But she couldn’t get a hold of my dad so in the end I carried my dog to the car, put her in the backseat, kissed her and told her “thank you,” and drove to pick up my mom. She sat in the back with my dog.
“She won’t make it to the vet,” I told my mom, “She’s dying now.”
“We were hoping to get to keep you for longer” my mom said to the dog as I drove.
My dog died before we reached the vet.
I left her there, at the vet's, because she was going to be cremated.
After coming home, alone, to an empty apartment, holding my dog’s pillow in my hands… I just collapsed on the floor and cried.
I have never cried that hard before.
This is also the first time I’ve ever lived alone.
All I have to do is make it to the end of June…
It just seems so far away.
The only thing I kept is her collar with her dog tags on it. I put that where I can see it all the time when I'm in the living room.
Today I'm working on making a photo book online of Perle and get that ordered.
And I've started looking for breeders. You might think that it's too soon but in July and August I have 6 weeks vacation and that would be the best time to get a new puppy. And a lot of breeders have waiting lists or already know that they'll have puppies ready around the end of June.
I'm looking for breeders that only have a few dogs and a few litters a year. And I'm looking for these breeds:
Coton de tulear
Looking forward to the new dog that'll be in my life is the only thing keeping me more or less focused.
I'm going back to work tomorrow.
It took 20 minutes for her to go from hopefully recovering to dying. And she died on the way to the vet.
As the vet put it "She made the decision."
The vet said to use all the time I needed as he left the room.
I kissed her and told her "Thank you"
11 years, 1 month and 15 days that's how old she got.
And they were good years.
She’ll be cremated and I’ll be getting her remains back in 2 weeks. She’ll be scattered in the 3 forests she loved so much.
Vet thought it might be her liver giving up... She said we're talking months here...
My best friend is slowly dying and I can't do fuck all about it.
I'm supposed to call the vet at 1 o'clock to hear what the tests say...
I'm honestly afraid of calling.
I'm just scared that I'll end up killing the poor thing.
I'm good with plants. My home is filled with them but I'm weirdly scared that I'll buy the little plant and then just kill it.
I'll go buy one this week. Because I want to!
Damn it! I'll keep that little sucker alive if it kills me!
I'm facinated by the apple bonsai trees. Don't they look awesome?
More info here:
I've been working on making my apartment the home I want it to be. I've decided not to save up for a house because even if I could do it I'd be forced to live on a stone after buying it. If something happened, roof flying off in a storm or water damage or some other unforeseen problem, I'd be forced to take a loan to pay for it. I really don't like the thought of that.
So I'll be staying in my apartment and I'll be renovating it so it fits my needs. I already bought a new oven :)
So there’s some stuff I need to get done:
- The balcony will be closed off with windows so I'll have an extra room
- I’ll be putting tile up in the kitchen.
- I'll be painting a few places to make sure everything looks good
- I'm going to buy some things I've been wanting for the apartment, bookcases and plants.
- The garden house in my allotment garden will get fixed as well. It needs a new roof. I'll be buying some stuff for the garden that I've wanted for the last few seasons.
I feel much more contend now that I've made my final decision. I can see myself living in my apartment until I get so old I can't make it to the second floor anymore.
It feels like this year is going to be fucking awesome.
This is all part of making my apartment a home and not just a place I live while I wait for the time, probably never to come, when I'll have the money to buy a house.
One of my chickens is sick. It's the nice and cute one, the one that greets me and is always interested in what food I'm bringing them. But today she just stood there, her wings sort of hanging and her body curled up a bit. I took her out of the cage and she didn't look as if she'd had diarrhea, I listened to her chest and her breathing sounded normal. Her heart was hammering away but smaller animals often have fast heart beats.
She closed her eyes immediately when I started scratching her neck and she sort of slumped down on my hand.
There's nothing visibly wrong with her so I'm sort of working in the dark.
If only she could tell me what's wrong or where it hurts : (
I'm not even sure she'll make it through the night. When chickens start showing that they're feeling sick they are VERY ill. Birds don't like to show weakness /illness.
And she's my favorite chicken too.
Then I see a link to a blog post all about how you need to style your bookcase...
You don't style a bookcase with vases and frames and knick knacks!
You fill it with BOOKS!
I keep filling my hours with podcasts that I listen to but don't really hear and reddit posts that I read and forget about 2 seconds after and bad fanfics that I read while thinking "this is really badly written why do I keep reading?"
The truth is that I'm just really filling up the silence with noise. Noise that doens't matter and noise that I honestly have no interest in. There are hours and days of my short life that I have filled with nothingness.
Time I should and could have filled with things that realy matter. Thing that I actually give a damn about.
It's gotten so bad that I have to listen to a vid with background noises just to be able to read. And a lot of the stuff I read is unimportant stuff, stuff I don't even enjoy reading.
Why the hell do I do this?
It has to stop.
And the first step is to block a large amount of sites on the internet so I can't access them without some hard work.
I'll go do that right now.