devo79fanfic: (hear more)
Nephew: I think I want to be a zookeeper when I grow up.
Me: Really? Well you might have to work with some big and dangerous animals.
Nephew: Oh...

We drive past the police station.

Nephew: I guess I'll just be a policeman then. That's probably safer.
Me: 0_O

At work...

Sep. 27th, 2014 12:30 am
devo79fanfic: (hear more)
Boy from 1st grade falls and hits his head.

Me: Are you okay?
Boy: I think so...
Me: Does your head hurt?
Boy: No... just my brain.

At work...

Aug. 19th, 2014 01:00 am
devo79fanfic: (hear more)
We're talking about the war between Germany and Denmark in 1864 in 5th grade.

Girl: Were you alive in 1864?
Me: ಠ_ಠ
devo79fanfic: (hear more)
I was talking to my 6 year old nephew about my new green house.

Nephew: You need to have lots and lots of tomato plants!
Me: I might not have room for all the ones you want.
Nephew: You could put a few in your butt.
His parents: *shocked silence and embarrassed mumbles about watching his language*
Me: I doubt I'll have room up there.
devo79fanfic: (hear more)
My brother's mother-in-law has been staying with them for a few months now. She does this once or twice a year to help out with my disabled niece. My nephew is sick of having guests which he made sure everyone knew...

My brother: *talking to mother-in-law* So did you figure out when you wanted to leave then?
Mother-in-law: Oh, I've decided to stay a week more.
Nephew: OH MY GOD! WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE! COME ON!

He just turned 6.
devo79fanfic: (hear more)
A little snobby girl was doing her best to make her classmate feel like shit.

Little girl: You wear second hand clothes?!
Classmate: Yes, it's almost new.
Little girl: But that stuff is dirty.
Classmate: It got washed.
Little girl: That doesn't matter. Well, I guess some people don't have money to buy new clothes. All my clothes is always new.

At this point I felt like drop kicking the little bitch. But instead I walked over.

Me: My pants and my shirt is stuff I bought used.
Little girl: It is?!
Me: Yes, and I buy second hand because it's cheaper.

The girl getting bullied by the snob looked so relieved that she wasn't the only one who had to wear second hand clothes.

An hour later when the kids are getting dressed after gym class the little snob feels the need to bully another of her classmates.

Little girl: Oh my god! You have fat rolls on your stomach. You look so fat.
Me: You *points at her* You're coming with me* we go in to the hallway* You need to learn to keep your mouth shut if you can't think of something nice to say.

I swear to god that little girl pushed every button I have when it comes bullying.
devo79fanfic: (hear more)
I'm teaching a 9th grade class. They're doing German grammar. One of the boys will do anything to get out of doing it.

Boy: Ayse?
Me: Yes.
Boy: I was stung by a bee on my way to school and I'm really allergic.
Me: Is that so.
Boy: Yes... aren't you going to do something about it?
Me: Nope.
Boy: I'm starting to black out.
Me: That's too bad.
Boy: I'm feeling faint.
Me: Hmmm...
Boy: Also... I'm diabetic.
Me: Really...
Boy: I need my medication.
Me: And what kind of medication would a diabetic need?
Boy: I... I don't know.
Me: Don't sound to me like you're diabetic.
Boy: Ayse. I... I can't feel my legs.
Me: Guess getting home is going to be a problem then.
Boy: I'm lactose intolerant. And... And I totally just drank a whole carton of milk.
Me: That won't kill you. At worst you'll get stomach cramps and Diarrhea.
Boy: I need some pain relief!
Me: Too bad so sad.

At work...

Mar. 2nd, 2013 07:09 am
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Kindergarten boy: My great grandma is gonna die soon. She's got grey hair.
Me: Oh?
Kindergarten boy: Also... she's 97 years old.

Apparently grey hair will kill you sooner than being really old.

At work...

Feb. 23rd, 2013 09:45 am
devo79fanfic: (hear more)
A group of 2nd graders are making family trees. Two little girls come up to me.

Girl 1: So if...uhhh... I have a little sister and she's dead... should I still put her on my tree?
Girl 2: Yeah... my little sister too...
Me: My little sister is dead too and if I was making a family tree I'd include her. Dead or not they're still your sisters.

: (
devo79fanfic: (hear more)
Niece: So, like, we're, right now, inside the earth.
Me: What?
Niece: Inside the earth. Cause, like, if we were on top of the earth we'd fall off, right?
Me: What?! No, no. What?!
Niece: Cause if we were, like, on TOP of the earth then we would fall off. In to space.
Me: No. Cause gravity. Gravity! It makes us NOT fall off the earth.
Niece: But... no. No, we're iiiinnnn siiiiide.
Me: What the hell are they teaching you in school?
Niece: But we'd fall off.
Me: But if we were INSIDE the earth then we would have dirt in our heads. We'd die!

Also... my niece is 13 years old.

At work...

Jan. 10th, 2013 03:36 pm
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The kids (6th graders) are making empanadas and the recipe says to boil an egg for 10 minutes.

Kids: How exactly do you boil an egg?
Me: You guys are kidding, right?
Kids: *just stare at me*

I'm walking down the hallway and a line of kids from the kindergarten are waiting to go to the school library. I high five a few of them.

Little girl: What happened to your hair?
Me: I got a haircut.
Little girl: Cooooooolllllll.
devo79fanfic: (Default)
I'm reading to a kindergarten class.  The story is about a boy who kidnaps a kitten. He tries to figure out what to feed it and since he doesn't have a mouse he figures that buying cat food is the closest thing to feeding it a mouse.

Little girl: *holds up hand*
Me: Yes?
Little girl: Um... wouldn't cheese be closest to a mouse?

You gotta love her logic.
devo79fanfic: (Default)
My 2 year old niece is very interested in my dog. She calls it Bobby. The dog is not called Bobby but Perle (Danish for Pearl). The dog is actually starting to respond to the name Bobby.

Niece: *yelling at the top of her voice* NO! BOBBY! NO! MINE!
Me: *turns around and sees the dog licking the butter of my niece's bread*

Niece: *spills soda on her dress because she was trying to get at the last bit*
Me: Whoa, careful. Now we have to clean up.
Niece: *turns to the dog and holds up her index finger and looks stern* No! Bobby! No!
Dog: *looks confused*
devo79fanfic: (Default)
My sister in-law is sick and she is home alone with her 4 year-old son and her 7 year old daughter. The 7 year old is in a wheelchair so she can't help her mother much.

4 year-old: *goes in to bedroom to check on his mom* Are you sick mom?
Sister-in-law: Yeah.
4 year-old: *runs out to his sister in the living room* What are we gonna do!? Mommy is sick.
7 year-old: Go put my blankie on her. That'll help.
4 year-old: *does as he's been told* Mommy?
Sister-in-law: Yeah?
4 year-old: Are you gonna throw up again?
Sister-in-law: Yeah, I think I might.
4 year-old: *runs into the living room* What are we gonna do? Mommy says she's gonna throw up again!
7 year-old: Quick! Go remove my blankie!!!

It's very important to have your priorities straight.
devo79fanfic: (Default)
Me calling my niece

Niece: Hello. Yeah.
Me: Hi, it's me. I just wanted to say I got tickets for that movie tomorrow.
Niece: Yeah.
Me: We need to be there at six to get the tickets.
Niece: Yeah.
Me: The movie starts at half past six.
Niece: Yeah.
Me: I'll come get you.
Niece: Yeah.
Me: So I'll call you tomorrow to tell you when I'll pick you up?
Niece: Yeah.
Me: Bye.
Niece: Yeah. Bye.

At work...

Jan. 1st, 2012 07:37 am
devo79fanfic: (Default)
I was standing outside the locker room when I heard...

Boy1: Can any of you do the helicopter?
Boys: *giggles*
Boy2: The what?
Boy1: the helicopter... Like this...
*Stunned silence from all the boys*
Boy2: Duuuuuude!
Boy3: I can totally do that!
*silence*
Boy1: No, man. That's not right! It's like this...
Boy2: How the hell do you do that?!
Boy1: There's a "how to" video of it on Youtube.

Me: *standing outside completely baffled*

And yes...When I got home I tried to find the "how to" video but couldn't find it. I did however find this:



But I'm pretty sure it wasn't this particular version of "doing the helicopter" they were talking about ;)

At work...

Sep. 21st, 2011 08:06 am
devo79fanfic: (Default)
4th grade boy: I have goosebumps on my willy!
devo79fanfic: (Default)
Me: Okay, so we need to put 2 teaspoons of salt in the dough.
*reaches out behind myself* Give me a teaspoon, please.

Niece: *opens the drawer* Here.

Me: *I turn around and see her holding out two teaspoons*

Niece: What? You said we had to put two teaspoons of salt in it?!

Me: O_o

At work...

Sep. 3rd, 2011 03:52 pm
devo79fanfic: (Default)
Two 1st grade boys are standing in the middle of a row of bushes staring at the ground.

Me: What're you guys doing?
Boy1: Looking for the hedgehog. But it's gone now.
Me: You found a hedgehog?
Boy2: Yeah, we found it yesterday and we didn't torture it or anything *big smile*
Me: O_O

At work...

Aug. 22nd, 2011 12:28 pm
devo79fanfic: (Default)
A kid in 2nd grade is glaring at a book report.

Me: What's up?
Kid: The book is stupid. I can't write what it's about because it isn't about nothing.
Me: *takes book and flips through it* Well, it's about Bo making breakfast for his mom and his Dad is helping him. You could write that *smiles*
Kid: *Glares at me and then at the book*

10 minutes later...

Kid: Here *gives me book report*

This is what he wrote: "Bo is a big jerk. Piss."

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